so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
