Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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