Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
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I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
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i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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