I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
