Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Less talking, more tequila
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
