Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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