i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
