dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
