What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
