And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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