My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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