Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
