u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
