if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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