I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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