God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
