Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
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i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
did i walk over a car last night?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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