Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
