Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
