After last night, I could never be a politician.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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