I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
