Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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