Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
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doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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