Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
