Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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