as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
