Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You dont lie about slip and slides
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
