Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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