Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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