My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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