4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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