I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
