I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
