I'd wear matching sweaters with you
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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