sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
