Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
