She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
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Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
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All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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