when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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