please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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