here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
