saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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