i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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