mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
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i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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