If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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