You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
