This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i need an iv and a liver transplant
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
