Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
