Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
