I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
