In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
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It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
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He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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