I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
