There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
