I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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