I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
pray to the hookup gods
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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