I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
