Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
