i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
try to milk me bitch
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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