They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
