So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
