Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
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Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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