Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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