We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
