Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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