I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
